Ethan 2.0

When Ethan was taken to the pediatrician to do his 12 mo check up, I told her that his left eye cried way too much..it's always wet...his little eyelashes are always soaked. What I didn't tell her, was that he had already had two eye infections- I was treating them with antibiotics I had at home  (I know...I know tsk tsk mama)...but I didn't think it was a big deal.

They had a couple of nemos, dory, and marlin.

Anyways, she sent us to the pediatric eye doctor and the place was awesome...this guy obviously makes good money...of course he does...with the insurance most people have nowadays...geez.
He proceeded to examined Ethan and pointed out that most babies are born with plugged tear ducts and eventually they open as the eye grows...usually by 9 months. Well, it was now 13 months...he told me that at this point, they were not going to open, whatever happened...happened. 

Inside waiting for the dr.

Ethan needed surgery to open his little tear duct that links his eye to his nose. Basically, he would be under anesthesia, and they would poke thru his eye socket (into the nose...u know that little part that is pink?) with a needle, pop that membrane and they place a small rubber band and keep it there for 6 months. Then, he would remove it in his office...he says he would just pull it, no surgery needed.

picture of the eye for reference. So, basically he went in thru the "pink"
part and then pulled the little tube thru the nose to make it fit.

As he was telling me this...I kinda blacked out after he said "Surgery....and anesthesia". I know very well what it's like to go to surgery...every time I get anesthesia, I fear I may not wake up. I may be dramatic...but it's true. The statistics point out that you are more likely to die in a car accident, than being under anesthesia during surgery....what they fail to mention is that sometimes, when things go wrong....they GO WRONG. I asked the doctor about maybe not doing the surgery and he told me, he would live and be fine, but would probably live with eye infections the rest of his life- his eye is not properly draining the tears (which technically are full of yucky stuff). Instead, they are just filling up his eyeballs (that's why his eyelashes are wet all the time and it looks like he cries constantly). I didn't come clean....I never told him about the eye infections I was treating a couple of weeks earlier...and Ethan is starting to move more and grab his eyes with dirty hands...so I know they were going to happen more often now. I decided to schedule the surgery and came to find out, all surgery centers are out of pocket for my insurance...well, isn't that convenient???? 

It looks like he reads...how can he be blind????

I had to work with the doctor and the surgery center into letting us get a discounted price, if we paid in full and no insurance became involved. Apparently, that's a common deal, cause they didn't even flinched. Stupid OBAMACARE...thanks for nothing. The TWO main things that were promised- better immigration reform and better healthcare...were the two very things that got screwed up the most....ugh. I hate being a grown up.

Back to the story. So, while I was dealing with the scheduling, the doctor went ahead and did an eye exam on Ethan. He poured some drops in his eyes, waited about 15 minutes for his eyes to dilate, and then put a light in his eye with some magnifying glasses....that's the best explanation I can come up with lol. He immediately said..."oh this is not good"....and again, I think I had a second mini heart attack...seriously...I lost feeling in my hands. "He is severely far sighted"....apparently, babies up to about 3 yrs old can have a score of +1, +2 and EVEN +3 (he told me that if its +3, he would have required a check up 6 mo later, but no glasses)....Ethan came out to +7.5....that's horrible. I was shocked. He NEVER showed any signs that he couldn't see....he never ran into walls, he never missed grabbing things, he sat down and looked at books for goodness sakes. I was so shaken up, I called his daddy and woke him up. I think I may have been tearing up...I can't remember...the whole day after that is a blur. He told me, that things happen and to just get him the rx glasses there. They were not as expensive as I thought...got them for him...and I just could not get used to his little face now.

first day in glasses....never bothered him.

As a parent, at least for me, I don't expect my children to be perfect, by any means...we are all human. but somehow, I keep feeling guilty for everything that is wrong with my children: Dom and the speech, Ethan and his eyes. I feel like I could have eaten better, or taken care of myself more...I dunno, but I feel like this was all my fault.  "This sucks...." I thought. My husband is very sweet and very supportive, but it still stings every time I look at Ethan's eyes, and I take Dom to the ST.

little old Chinese man

All in all...I know deep down that genetics are to blame.....that's exactly what it comes down to....Genetics. I studied a whole year in college about genetics...and know how SO MUCH has to go right for a human life to be born...people don't realize it...but the millions of genes and DNA strands have to click just right for us to be "normal"....and most of us are.

I think I went thru the 5 stages of grief- the second stage, anger, lasted the longest.... I keep pulling myself out of it, and thinking that it was a blessing in disguise. Had Ethan not had a plugged duct...I would have NEVER gone to the eye doctor....and I would not have known he was far sighted. He would have gone another few years (until school) trying to figure out what was actually there, since he couldn't see.....and that breaks my heart even more.  The doctor even said, that with his eyesight, he probably would have gone cross eyed within the year (from constantly trying to focus). So, in a small way, I thank the universe for the lucky break he got....but a little part of me...the pessimistic side, still has a hard time with it. I wish I was the kind of person to brush stuff off and move on....instead I linger on the bad details...and beat myself over it. And then I get angry, because I see moms having a hard time with their severely challenged children- and I SHOULD be grateful that my children have "minor" flaws....it's like this constant tug of war on my feelings.

Ethan underwent surgery very early on Thursday. we had to be there before 6am and Spencer actually timed the doctor- 8 minutes! The minute they took him away for anesthesia to the procedure being done and Ethan being taken to the "wake up" area...it was only 8 minutes. We were reassured by both anesthesiologists, that his eye doctor was the best in the area and he had good hands for surgery...so, that made me feel just a bit better...but still...surgery is surgery.

Wating to be called

Playing in the toy area

So, for now, Ethan will wear glasses. I don't think he will grow out of them, but at least he won't go cross eyed and will not turn into an even bigger surgery.  Dominic likes to kiss him all the time and keeps saying he's such a cute baby. If anybody has helped me through this, it's Dominic. He always says how Ethan has "cool glasses" and "he's so cute". He's the one helping me realize that maybe it's not so bad. I'm so glad he came first. You always wonder why things happen or you wonder the reason behind them? And then you get little glimpses of it later in life....and you say " yeah, I'm glad that happened". That's what I'm feeling right now.